Imbroglio

In what feels like an eon or more I have stood still in a river of blood Is it mine or is it yours, I have no idea All I know is that I am alive and you are not I cannot see to shore My dear friend Theodore In despair I usually reach for the bottle With full throttle Is that a falling star or a space shuttle Am I supposed to feel this zen In this devil’s den I am not unsure of my sin, yet maybe did I win These memories, are they mine They seem to me so unkind These bloody knots, they won’t unwind I have not a sword Bastard gordian This string is a slight bit too short I am not great Alexander Nor that tall one Leander I ask upon once again and yet still no answer I heard a meow but saw no cat So what the fucking hell was that This is not the water of which Upon I hang my ancient hat I am here stuck without a boat In this crimson hell I float And nothing of it can be done Was it just an imbroglio I won Red is the color I see when I close my eyes Fire and brimstone, no ice Is all this happening inside my head Is it a dream or am I maybe dead I will be on the path most safe I do not dare, I am not a waif I feel like I still have the most to lose I cannot chase that golden goose This is not a life but I feel alive Can I not just go to sleep and wake again as the second youngest of five In this ocean I am sleep deprived Maybe I am dead but in the process of being revived And if so what do I do to help them succeed And if not so then what the fuck indeed I am beyond clueless but after eons I wonder I must do something or be drawn asunder I can take my life, of that I am sure I still have lungs and drowning I can’t endure Testing my limits is my only past time after all And I still hear the sweet voice of the void call But what if that brings me death, a permanent one I mean Should I hold on to my breath after the voids I have seen I could surely see some more but my mind is slowly leaving This is beyond all kinds of gore, looks can be so deceiving Suicide is a sin too I have been told But what is a life worth if you’re centuries old I barely even remember what life is supposed to be And if this here is life then that’s just not for me But what of the afterlife, I truly fear what more is to tell I mean if this is existence, damnation sure will be hell And I wouldn’t wish that for my worst enemy After life I think we all deserve what’s heavenly What stupidity we left behind should be forgotten Forgiven, erased, a new divine chance gotten But if I am still alive and I die by the sin Will I cross that line that is hair thin Will you understand me, highest king I'm ready to depart but please just tell me one thing Can I still get into heaven if I kill myself Can I still get into heaven if I kill myself Can I still get into heaven if I kill myself My dear friend Theodore I will do what is best for me